February is almost over and, if I don’t speed this up, I’m not going to make it to Manuel Moreale’s IndieWeb Carnival invitation for this month. And this is in part due to the digital caos I live in.

Yes, this is going to be a moaning post. Probably annoying for the people who read it and absolutely of no use for bringing any good to our collective lives, much less for adding anything nice or worthy to the IndieWeb Carnival. I’m not going to apologize, though, because this is my indie blog and my indie post and my indie state of mind. I’m a boomer, but I intend to take full advantage of the modern whining trend.

If the language in this post looks or sounds kind of off, cheesy even, it’s because it is. English is not my first language, not even my second, so I don’t fully master it. I’m writing this trying to think in English and not use the dictionary at all, so the expressions I use are coming from the top of my head, which is mostly full of tv shows, tech podcasts, social media and blogs, the tools I use to keep up with my English.

I was saying that me not being able to fulfil my commitment to write about digital relationships for the February IndieWeb Carnival is in part due to the digital caos I live in. I’m not really sure about that. Digital tools are a curse and a blessing. I live inside my laptop and my smartphone, and I run my legal practice entirely within their software tools. I think I have developed quite a sophisticated system of apps and scripts (keyboard shortcuts, macros, applescripts and other automations, nothing fancy) that make me very productive at work.

So it’s quite a systematic caos, if that’s possible. But for that same reason, I take upon myself much more work than I’m capable of handling. And I spend 3-4 hours a day only for managing incoming emails and new tasks. I like my job, I despise having to do it always in a hurry, overwhelmed and always with the feeling of trying to empty the sea with a spoon.

I’ve tried going analog, jotting down my tasks in a notebook, journaling, meditation, the usual stuff. I don’t see any benefit. I like typing on a keyboard, having all my notes neatly organized in my laptop, being able to find them quickly, using different tricks to link notes, files and projects and use my digital tools as my second brain. Analog stuff is always a crippled substitute that does not help at all in the long run.

So I stick to my curse and keep staring at my different screens and devoting a third of my day to email and tasks. I want to learn new things (French, the language; coding, even if it’s only javascript and applescript; playing an instrument…), I want to make bread, I want to blog more, I want to travel and I don’t have time for anything. Not even to write a post for the IndieWeb Carnival in more than a month.

So I whine.

A good/bad thing (I can’t make up my mind) about digital tools is that they make the world bearable to me. I don’t feel much empathy for “the people”. I like hanging out in small groups, but I really dislike crowds and what I despise the most is the peer pressure that comes with social relationships, the silly competition, the “boy stuff” and the tribal behaviors. So I have found that the world and the people are much more attractive for me behind my computer’s glass screen. Lately, I have found that I prefer writing and interacting in English than in Spanish or Basque (my every day languages), which is, I guess, another way to isolate myself from the society I have to cope with directly.

Well, the thing is I don’t like what I see in the mirror lately. What I see is a guy constantly locked to his digital stuff, overwhelmed by the ever-lasting information flow and, one more thing, self-conscious that time is ticking and running out and that I have been doing this for the last twenty years, which means that I will have to admit that I’ve been wasting my life. I blame my digital tools because it’s easy to do and they can’t defend themselves, but I know that they’re only tools and that it’s only me to blame.

I said I wouldn’t apologize, and I won’t. This useless thoughts are what came to mind when thinking about what to write under the topic of “digital relationships”. I guess I needed to put them out. Probably, I should end this post with some emotional or inspiring phrase, but nobody is reading and I won’t do it just for myself. Not today.